Some things just seem to repeat themselves in our lives, no matter where we go or how long we live. Some of us get into the same friendship drama, while others can’t stop overthinking in a relationship or troubles at work. Although we are different — more mature and aware — it looks like we are still there. It’s not Groundhog Day; it’s our tendency to repeat these scenarios. Today, we can look into the whys.
Not the Clean Slate
As adults, we don’t scrape off the patterns that no longer bring us joy and call it a day. The past has become a part of us, like scars or a favorite pair of socks. Users from the Liven app have shared that their memories seem to seep through into their todays.
Our childhoods become blueprints. The people closest to us as kids become models for what relationships are “supposed” to be like. We learn that some responses or behaviors work better because we are praised for them, whether by adults or peers, while others are discouraged. It happens so early that we don’t even consciously comprehend this as we bring it into adulthood.
One of the most striking and influential ways in which the past shapes our behaviors is attachment style. Depending on how our caregivers treated us during the critical period of our growth, we develop either an anxious, avoidant, secure, or disorganized attachment style. We bring these things into relationships with our friends and partners, not understanding why we act the way we do.
Schema Activation
Not to get too psychological here, but schemas play an essential role in motifs that we keep following. Schemas are mental frameworks that we form at a young age — think tinted glasses through which we stare at the world. They are developed after repeated experiences, mostly in childhood. They are very useful for anyone, but kids in particular, because they help us make sense of the world. They simplify the complex universe, enabling us to respond more quickly to emerging triggers.
But it’s not without a catch, too: once the schema is formed, our brain looks for evidence that confirms it. Our schema has been working well in the past, our mind says, so why shouldn’t it work now? And the sneakiest part is that they are automatic, and we don’t realize they are there.
Let’s look at an example. Person A has developed a belief that they are never enough because their parents didn’t pay attention to their emotional needs. When they have grown up, they carry a schema “I am defective” with them. As an adult, person A might then choose partners or workplaces that reinforce this feeling. Even if something can contradict it — for instance, a loving, secure partner — they can still look for signs that suggest otherwise.
When Safer Is Better Than Good
Some can ask: why would you sabotage something good? Why would someone back away from a healthy relationship, reject an exciting opportunity, or shrink just as everything starts to go well? Sadly, that’s not entirely uncommon. It’s because we crave familiarity more than a potential joy if it feels too unfamiliar.
Our nervous system doesn’t always seek out what’s healthy — it seeks out what’s known. When we face novelties, something in us tries to resist them. Unused to kindness, we shy away from it. Unused to honesty, we try to lie. It’s not because we want to hurt; our internal template can’t recognize these as safe.
It might be a moment when self-sabotage enters the background and slowly creeps into the scene. We might pick a fight with a partner simply to see them snap or leave us. We can intentionally make mistakes in the workplace to avoid promotion.
Don’t be ashamed of this. Your mind just has no idea what to do with all those new and good things happening to you. Like someone who has never tried a wide array of food wouldn’t know where to start, you also struggle to behave in a comfortable space.
Aware, We Move Toward Change
Changing something so ingrained in us is a tough process. Rewiring our brains doesn’t come easily — these patterns served us as well as they could. During the change, we will face resistance; for every step we take, we also face a risk of stalling. But that’s part of the journey. And it begins with awareness. Like the landmark showing “You are here,” our understanding of how we repeat the same scenarios shows us where to go from there.
This is where therapy, journaling, mindfulness, or inner child work can make a huge difference. We learn to look within and question convictions with which we were raised. In a way, it’s really like creating a map of the unknown lands bit by bit and putting these descriptions in writing and memory. Healing will come, but we must be patient when working toward it.
Conclusion
We don’t live in the same scenario, even if a part of us wants to preserve the status quo. By acknowledging that past experiences shape our responses to people and events, we are already one step closer to breaking these habits. There will be time to start challenging these mechanisms. Today, we learn to accept.